At our lowest times during our toughest moments

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At our lowest times during our toughest moments. Things seem to get complicated and confusing as time went on and the days began to take our tolls we forget the little things that filled our hearts and our souls. We let those negative emotions lead to arguments or worse, we stop communicating. I admit that I’m not connecting the way I used to. I’m striving to learn how to communicate better. Just want to listen and try to understand your intentions, feelings, needs, and wants. We can be able to continually come up with new and better ways of contributing. I’m so sorry for interrupting you. I feel embarrassed by the way I acted and the aggressive tone I used. I know that I hurt your feelings. And I’m sure you must feel frustrated, especially as you had points to share with me. I was wrong to put my…. above you. I see how my own words and actions were hurtful or demeaning. I take full accountability for my actions. I wanted to say that I apologize for comparing with your kid, yes I did compare with her. Standing up for your kids no matters what! You did a right thing. I’m really sorry I will not do that ever again in my lifetime.

“Highly sensitive person halt the same spiral by, it made sense to stop the spiral physically because there was no way the person could think differently until the body was calmer. If meet up for talking, upon returning, the person took up the old issues with a fresh perspective and physiology. What was needed was less stimulation. Your intuition can be a fine guide for knowing exactly what you need to do physically to change your mental chemistry.”

Projection, it creates a feeling of “stuckness.” Make it uncreated projection.

I understand the reasons you worry and the ways to security with Kids and kids’ father.

Unfortunately, in the past, we talked that bring time to a crawl leaving you mentally and emotionally exhausted and more than a little bit frustrated. I was not an effective listener. One of my past behavior-- “Winning a conversation is like a foxtrot against your dance partner. It's not the point.  It listening with the good ear. Listen for what makes sense about what the person just said rather than listening for how you can show what's wrong with it.” If we see each other again, it would be more effective communication.

About the boundaries, I analyzed why I allow to receive “gaslighting” because of my childhood. I apologize for gaslighting you. I’m setting my boundaries. I know its hard to forget the olds of gaslighting I had brought up. Things has been changed.

I mentioned to you that I was doing “for for” NONE of your all faults. It is mine!! I raised to be respecting when I am guest in their house. I was living on the “street” when I was young. I got beat up. Hard to explain. Therapy helps me to unpack my childhood… I thought I was doing a right thing… Nope, it doesn’t.. Anyway, I could have told you what I want, order foods, ahead cooking for you all, taking walks, just be myself like a home instead of I make myself pulling down, unstable. Sighs, hard to explain in writing. Not only that, I need to stand up for myself. I was scared if I stood up then they will upset or mad at me. Anxiety got me which I did worse for myself.

My anxiety gets me automatically jumping to the worse conclusions. I did not know how to control it. Now I do. I’m working on my self-control.

I understand you its fresh and very raw. I read a lot about highly sensitive person, the more I understand you include myself. Highly sensitive person contemplation can quick trend toward overthinking, and just as quickly, turn into paralyzing (shut down). I really do understand and would approach differently when temperaments clash. I know you are not interested to talk, just leave all in the past and closed peacefully. This is so hard. I wish you can see through my eyes.

I’m much better place than I was when you guys returned from Cody. I eat well, sleep well, exercise, therapy, read and mediation. I was disconnected away from the earth, I’m connecting toward the earth.

Something we never really meant and before we can’t take it back the pain has sunk in, let go of the tough days and heartaches and take a moment to rewind.

I never had the feeling of loved until I met you. I did not know what loved mean. That’s truth. You did make me feeling loved I never have experienced. You and I understand about our childhood that we did not have that. I wish I could make you feeling loved again. I want to make you amazing and full of romantic. And kids feeling loved!! And cherish kid’s father too!

For all that, I blew it up. I lost family. You all were the best ever happened to me. I never felt as a family. I wont forget that day kid’s father welcomed me as a family. It was meant a lot a lot a lot to me. That was what I wanted. That is different from family-friend and my unfunctional family. My world is not upside-down, its crashes.

I miss your laugh, your smile, your sexy brown eyes, your scent, your soft skin. I miss looking at your legs, your ass, your hip, your neck, your hair, your breast, your arms. I miss you more than words can say. A conversation with you is all I need right now. I miss the feel of your hands, your smell, your kiss, licking lips and your touch. I fantasy so many I was waiting till we stay in our home I show you how hotness we been curving to ties, wild, try different places around, different positions at bedroom, kitchen table, pool, chairs, etc. I want to make surprises. Show you my mischiefs and tease around in our home. I was so curving and running around in my head when in kid’s father’s house I don’t feel right if I did and very respectful in his house. I just stayed clean. I did want to take you and blow your head up in room or hotness in the shower together every time we take shower together in Kid’s room… I not feel right to do in their room ugh… was so looking forward to have our room and bathroom. now its just in my head. I can’t tell you how I feel, think, fantasy about you anymore. Its closed chapter. I rather not to lose you the whole, they become my darkest secret just only me its becoming real actually darkest secret… if you know these, you will not want to be my friend so I would lose you the whole and not able to see your kids growing up. I’m ended up as my exes who want to get back with me as I want to get back to you and you don’t want to get back to me as I did to my exes… I know that feeling. I’m accepting and moving forward and wanting to be your best friend someday and seeing your kids grow up. That’s matters to me now.