Smarthinking Tutor Response Form Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below

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Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Nacomma! I'm Jay E. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:  Each body paragraph starts with a topic sentence that identifies the focus of that paragraph. This helps the reader “navigateâ€? the discussion, allowing us to see what you will be discussing every time you start a new paragraph. Good job!

* 12513799, you requested help with Organization:  

The overall organization of your essay is okay. However, at the end of your introduction, you can write a thesis statement that helps us see where you’ll go with the discussion. The thesis statement indicates the overall idea of your paper and how you will develop that idea. The exact format of the thesis statement depends on how you want to develop the topics. It is often a single sentence summarizing your main argument, but it can also be a series of sentences enumerating what you’ll discuss. Look at these examples:

· The regulation of fast food consumption is necessary to address a number of health problems.

· This essay looks at the importance of the regulation of fast food consumption. The first part talks about how fast food is related to obesity, analyzing how the increased consumption of such foods contribute to the nation’s growing waistlines. In the second section…

In the first example, only the main idea is indicated, but from this sentence, we know what the essay will talk about: the health problems associated with fast food. On the other hand, the second example is more detailed. Each sentence represents one topic that will be discussed, and each topic will be talked about in at least one paragraph. This is preferable if you’re covering a wide range of topics.

Again, these are just examples, and your thesis statement can be somewhere between these two. The important thing is that it should indicate what your main idea or main argument is. What exactly is your argument on racial bias against African Americans in healthcare will you discuss? What topics will you discuss to support this idea? See if you can write a thesis statement for your paper.

Content Development  You can also strengthen some of your ideas by providing specific examples. Right now, your discussion mostly relies on general statements, so the ideas are broad. Look at this example:

For instance, within the American society that is known to encounter inequality alongside racism within their day to day lives, and all through their life, the social factors impact on health end up being the gravest. Despite the access to medical care that is enhanced under the ACA, the health outcomes disparities in between the Whites and the Black Americans are basically stark.

This actually leaves the reader hanging. You can better illustrate this idea by citing some statistics or a specific case of a social factor affecting an African American’s health. Look at these two paragraphs talking about a benefit of social media to small businesses:

· While many businesses were hit hard during the pandemic, social media has actually benefited small food businesses.

· While many businesses were hit hard during the pandemic, social media has actually benefited small food businesses. According to a study by the XYZ Tribune, about 3500 online sellers have registered with the city hall in the past six months, generating around USD 2 million in sales. One of those businesses is Jane Doe, who operates The Walking Mushroom. Doe used Facebook to promote her dishes, allowing the platform’s “shareâ€? feature to reach a wider audience and capture a broader market.

By providing a specific example, the writer helps us better understand the effect and connect these ideas to real-life applications. It makes the idea more accessible and tangible. For more on developing ideas, you can check out the handbook .

* 12513799, you requested help with Grammar & Mechanics:   Be consistent in your capitalization, particularly with words referring to races. For example, in some sentences, you capitalize “Blackâ€? and “White,â€? but in others, you don’t. Some references capitalize the word, but others don’t. The APA, which I assume you’re using, requires capitalizing such words, so you need to follow this. Check your essay for capitalization issues.

Summary of Next Steps: 

· Write a thesis statement at the end of the introduction.  

· Strengthen some of your ideas by providing specific examples.   

· Observe proper capitalization.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Nacomma. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~ Jay E.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook .

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

 

 RACIAL BIAS AGAINST AFRICAN AMERICANS IN HEALCARE 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Racial Bias Against African Americans in Healthcare

My name

English Department South College

ENG1211

Professor Da J Kirk

August 6, 2021

 

 

 

 

Introduction

Racial Bias Against African Americans in Healthcare

The health care system of America is considered to have inequalities having an impact that is disproportionate on the people of color in addition to groups that are marginalized. The inequalities are a contributor to the gaps within health insurance coverage, accessibility to services that is uneven as well as health outcomes that are poorer amidst a particular population. The African Americans are the ones who tend to beta the brunt associated with the health care complexities. African Americans constitute of a 13.4 % of the entire population of the United States. [Where did you get this number? Make sure to reference your sources.] In addition, they are also known for living longer, while most of them are in possession of some type of health insurance coverage. However, the African Americans to date they are still experiencing illness in addition to infirmity at rates that are extremely high and have a life expectancy that is lower as compared to different ethnic as well as racial groups.

Healthcare Accessibility

In the United States, individuals of color mostly encounter disparities within health care accessibility, the quality of received card in addition to health outcomes.  The behaviors as well as the attitudes of the providers if health care are among the factors contributing to health disparities. The perceived discrimination in addition to racial barriers is something that is very common for the African Americans (Cahan, et.al, 2019).

African Americans are known for ensuring racism within the American society for the longest time. [Make sure you're using the correct word:  ensuring racism means African Americans are making sure racism exists. However, you mean that African Americans are suffering racism. What word should you use instead?] It is proven that racism plays a role in impacting social stratification as well as the ability of the African Americans to become healthy which is physically and mentally as well. This burden, particularly an inescapable burden for the black individuals in America, has led to the African Americans having to die prematurely in addition to them experiencing illnesses that are chronic and challenges of mental health at rates that are higher as compared that the White Americans.

Racist Encounters

The racist encounters facilitate an increment in inflammation within African Americans. The inflammation increment increases the risk of an individual becoming chronically ill. Racism practiced for a long period caused the black Americans health to greatly suffer from chronic diseases since the defense of their body was down because of inflammation. The type of illnesses most likely to be encountered by this population mainly are neurodegenerative disease, heart attack in addition to metastatic cancer. An increment in the coverage of health insurance under the ACA is known to have greatly improved accessibility to medical care in addition to it been associated with outcomes that are better for the African Americans like diagnosis that are timely and specific cancers treatment.  [This is a wordy sentence. As a result, it takes some work for the reader to understand this. How can you improve this?] However, there is still the existence of disparities across the health conditions whenever there is a comparison of the whites and the African Americans. This is inclusive of infant mortality, maternal mortality, diabetes, heart disease, cancer in addition to different health matters (James, 2017).

Social Factors

The social factors inclusive of education inequalities, economic disadvantage as well as lack of access to health care, tends to impact the ability of an individual to lead a life that is productive and healthy.  For instance, within the American society that is known to encounter inequality alongside racism within their day to day lives, and all through their life, the social factors impact on health end up being the gravest. Despite the access to medical care that is enhanced under the ACA, the health outcomes disparities in between the Whites and the Black Americans are basically stark. The women who are black Americans, their probability of dying because of issues that are related to pregnancy are three time those of white women.

Infant Mortality

The rate of infant mortality of African American is double the rate of the infants who are white.  In addition, the people of color also have higher probabilities of dying from heart disease as well as cancer as compared to the Whites in addition to them being at a risk that is greater for having a diabetes onset. Nevertheless, the rates of death for the black Americans having cancer plus heart disease experienced a drop over a duration of fifteen years. Across most illnesses that are chronic, the African Americans still have a high probability of dying in comparison to different ethnic and racial groups (Marcelin, et.al, 2019).

Barriers

On top of instigating health outcomes that are poor among the African Americans, racism is also known to create barriers to an economic opportunity in addition to uneven health care access. [Known by whom? You can strengthen your sentence by using the active voice (the subject doing the action): e.g. Climate change is believed to be accelerating. -> Meteorologists believe that climate change is accelerating. How can you strengthen your sentence?] In addition, the system of health care itself is also seen perpetuating bias and racism towards the individuals who are African Americans. This is something that has been documented appropriately in addition to it having examples; inclusive of differences with the management of pain and treatment meant for African Americans in comparison to the Whites encountering similar health challenges. It is all evident in utilization of bodies belonging to African Americans within medical experimentation in addition to racial Bias within health algorithms with an intention of guiding decisions related to health and assessing the costs of health care. Such actions have played a role in causing an overall distrust of the system of health care in the community of African Americans.  It is not possible to divorce racism from the social factors affecting the African Americans when it comes to health care matters.

Conclusion

The individuals who are African Americans are considered to have a chance of making gains that are significant in case the health reforms end up being done in the appropriate manner. Despite of the progressed that is made within the decades that are recent, massive populations of the African Americans are known to still struggle in leading loves that are healthy as well as economically secure. This is mainly because of the racism effects that are long-standing, and ones that touch every single African American. This is regardless of their socio-economic status. These are effects that are in a position of getting reversed, however, it will require real commitment in addition to a change that is systemic. [You have a comma splice here. This occurs when you combine two complete sentences with only a comma: e.g. It was raining hard last night, however today the sky is clear. You can either create a full stop (It was raining hard last night. However, today the sky is clear.), or you can replace the comma with a semicolon (It was raining hard last night; however, today the sky is clear.). How can you fix your comma splice?] The reform of health care is supposed to be a part of these effort. This will greatly help in reducing racism and bias towards the African Americans (Yearby, 2018).

 

 

 

 

 

References

Cahan, E. M., Hernandez-Boussard, T., Thadaney-Israni, S., & Rubin, D. L. (2019). Putting the data before the algorithm in big data addressing personalized healthcare. NPJ digital medicine, 2(1), 1-6. Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/articles/s41746-019-0157-2

James, S. A. (2017). The strangest of all encounters: racial and ethnic discrimination in US health care. Cadernos de saude publica, 33. Retrieved from https://www.scielo.br/j/csp/a/T4FGvBDC7LkgdHdRfjqnQHc/?lang=en&format=html

Marcelin, J. R., Siraj, D. S., Victor, R., Kotadia, S., & Maldonado, Y. A. (2019). The impact of unconscious bias in healthcare: how to recognize and mitigate it. The Journal of infectious diseases, 220(Supplement_2), S62-S73. Retrieved from https://academic.oup.com/jid/article-abstract/220/Supplement_2/S62/5552356

Yearby, R. (2018). Racial disparities in health status and access to healthcare: the continuation of inequality in the United States due to structural racism. American Journal of Economics and Sociology, 77(3-4), 1113-1152. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/ajes.12230